I’m sitting here on my Home Pass and I will be going back to Red River in 4 days. This will be the last time I will be home and then going back to school, next month I will going on my final Home Pass and then directly to PC4. I will have been in the program for 15 months. I have been through so many ups and downs on this amazing journey. I’ve been through several probation periods and I learned so much each time. The biggest thing I have gained since I’ve been in the program would be strength. Each time I “fell” I picked myself up, no matter how hard it was, and that was the biggest way I built up the incredible amount of strength that I have today. When I first entered Red River, all I wanted to do was get out and get back to my old lifestyle. The choices that led me into the program were alcohol, cigarettes, partying, disrespecting myself, disrespecting my family, lying, guy issues, thinking my friends were my world, etc….My number one purpose for living was for partying with my friends. It took my a while to finally realize that wasn’t the life I wanted to live anymore. To tell the truth, even before I came here, I did want to change, but I never put action to it. I wanted a better relationship with my mom, yet I was too preoccupied at home to do anything different. The program has given me the opportunity to rekindle everything I ever wanted, plus more. I have a feeling, a lot of kids will probably be faced with similar situations like mine and will struggle with hoe to deal with them, so I would like to share my experience, which occurred in June, on my second Home Pass. I was faced with many struggles and obstacles. The first day I was home, my old friends called and came by my house looking for me; my mom went outside and talked to them. A few days later, we were at the mall and I again saw another old friend, who then called 3 of my other old friends and they all showed up. I talked to them this time and told them I have changed a lot and I wasn’t into the same things as before. Although I did declare where I stood with them, somewhere deep down inside me, I was still holding on and didn’t stand as strong in my beliefs as I should have. Later that night, my two old best friends called and showed up at my house at 11:30 at night. I couldn’t believe the extremes they were going to, and although I was surprised, in my head it made me doubt myself and start to think they really did care about me. Before the program, my friends were my biggest weakness; they were my world. I completely forgot about my family, the people who loved me and were willing to do anything to save me, for people who were just interested in me for the partying and the hook ups. I let that weakness control me. I let my mind start to fall for all the nice and pretty things they were saying. I had to learn the hard way, but I’m glad I learned at all. Also, while my mom and I were working on my Life Contract, a lot of issues came up and we had a lot of disagreements. During this time, I allowed a lot of my old patterns to come up, such as my attitude, control, anger, and frustration. As you all know, there wer obvious consequences for my actions when I returned to school. This was probably the hardest month I have ever had in the program as well as the hardest I had ever worked in my program. I was eligible to graduate in August, but because of my actions, I have created a graduation in November. Although I created 2 extra months in the program for myself, I am thankful for this time because it has given me the opportunity to learn even more as well as treasure the time I have left. I’ve met some of the most amazing people and I’ve formed some of the closest bonds I’ve ever experienced in my entire life there in the program. Since then, I was allowed to go on another Home Pass to try things out and see how things would go. This was definately the biggest success I’ve had in my program, but needless to say, it taught me i can accomplish anything I put my mind to. A couple of days ago, I also ran into a few old friends again,, but this time I stood strong with where I stand in my life and in a respectful way told them I don’t want to have anything to do with my old life, including them. I know I will still have to deal with this when I come home but I feel like I put a very strong message out there for them to back off and now I finally have the closure I need. I thank God I came to the program because at times I’ll think of my past and I can’t even believe the things I was doing or would have been doing if I had not come to the program. For the first time in my life, I’ve found a genuine happiness and love for not only my family, but most importantly myself. I am so proud of myself for everything I have accomplished these past 15 months; but it definitely hasn’t been a piece of cake. This program wasn’t made to be easy, it’s supposed to be very challenging and it definitely is, but it is also the best thing that has ever happened to me. Everything I have been through will always be a part of me forever. I am so excited to finally go home, but at the same time I have a great amount of sadness in this last month before I leave. I have random breakdowns of crying thinking about saying goodbye and leaving. I came into the program thinking I would get absolutely nothing out of it, but i was so wrong. I am leaving here, not only as a beautiful, honest, strong, and loving young woman, but as well as with so many true relationships I’ve ever had before in my life. I never would’ve expected to have these kinds of feelings and emotions that I have attached with so many people at Red River. I have gotten more support than I could ever imagine. There’s this song that one of our chaperone’s sings to us, there’s a line in the lyrics that says “I just can’t give up now. I’ve come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy…” I think about that a lot because I look back at July of 2006 and see where I started from and to see how far I’ve come and where I am today, I get this warm fuzzy feeling of amazement. Like I said before, it was been anything but easy, but it has definitely been worth all the work. In a month, I will be concluding this last chapter of my program and beginning a new chapter into my life. I will be a program graduate as well as a High School graduate and will start college in the fall of next year. I have learned so much, but the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that for every fall, I will always rise even higher, and I have proven that to myself numerous times!
A POEM FOR MY MOTHER:
I love you with all my heart,
You mean so much to me.
We have a fresh new start,
And together will always be.
We’ve been through it all together,
The good and the bad
Now things are getting better,
And I’ll no longer make you sad.
I’m sorry for all of the pain,
I wish I could take it all back,
I know this is no longer a game,
We will keep going and won’t back track.
We have come a long way,
We are both changing.
I will be home to stay,
And our lives will be rearranging.
Thank you for all you’ve done for me,
You have always been there.
Now I finally see,
How much you really care.
Now it’s my turn to show you how
much I love you.
You really are the best.
To you I will always be true,
And you can finally get some rest.
I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!
AMANDA PHU
GRADUATED NOVEMBER 2007
RED RIVER ACADEMY
Posted on December 26th, 2007 by admin
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